I have a story. A story passed down to me by my ancestors. You won't read this story in science books, you won't see it on the Discovery channel, but it's the truth. And it's the painful truth that so many have hidden away from the public. The past events of last few months have forced me to realize that I need to tell this story. Somebody needs to believe it. I know everyone will think I'm crazy, and people will spit and mock me when I walk by them. But I know the truth. And soon, you will too.

This is the story of the history of the world. And it begins like every other history story....

Two beings of infinite power and infinite hatred were fucking in the far reaches of the cosmos. Now, their names are unknown and what they're doing out there in the depths of space is also unknown. All I was told is that they spent every second of every minute all throughout history fucking. When the sun first lit up, they were fucking. When the first forms of life crawled out of the primordial ooze, they were fucking. Even when I am dead and gone and you kill yourself because you can't live without me, they will still be fucking.

Ten thousand years ago, during a routine climax, a bit of cosmic ejaculate flew a thousand million billion miles and happened to land in the exact trajectory of earth. What scientists would later cover up as a meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs was actually known by the first humans as the seed of a thousand truths. The comet of cum crashed into the earth somewhere in the gulf of mexico and the rest of the story you know. The ice age came, the dinosaurs died, and mankind went into the caves. We were primative then, with nothing more than our clubs and leather hides to cover our genitals from the cold. But there was something else, a terrible secret that the authorities have hidden for thousands of years. When the cumeteor crashed into the earth, it brought with it a new life form that had not yet been seen on our little blue globe. A being of inconceivable terror that would soon build an empire and enslave our primitive ancestors for thousands of years.

They called themselves the Hogswarm. Less than 15 years after the dawn of the ice age, they had built a tower of ice and snow in what is now known as Carbondale, Illionois. From their frozen tower, they began to launch assaults on our human ancestors. Our most ancient of texts depicts their heirarchy and form:

"At the top of the command chain was the Porkbeast. Easily two tons, this wretched creature was cunning and cruel, yet not above slathering mud on her bulbous stomache to stay warm in the winter and cool in the summer. She had tusks like curved swords, and she towered over her court at five or six times the size of a grown man. She would squeel orders and her leutinants would carry out her every whim, whether that be bringing in food by the barrels or conquering an entire continent. The entirity of the Hogswarm feared and obeyed her.

The leutinants were known as Fellate Commandos. They were her generals, and there were never more than 4 alive at any given time. If one was born, it was fed to the Porkbeast queen as an appetizer. If one died in battle, another was conceived. This was the will of the Porkbeast. The Fellate Commandos were 9 feet tall, and strong enough to lift both ox and cart above their heads. Their skin was black as oil and they went into battle naked, wearing nothing wore than decorative feathers and peircings on their massive genitals. Many a man has seen a Fellate Commando on the field of battle, blood trickeling down the spines and jutting spikes that came out of their shoulders and spine. Each of them carried two large battle axes, each exactly 68 pounds in weight. Their fury was legendary, almost as much as their ruthlessness. No man could best a Fellate Commando.

More human in appearance than any of the other castes, the Nymphomancers had less of a snout and more of a jaw as we do, and their tusks are smaller, almost like the teeth of a wolf. Contrary to the rest of their race, the Nymphomancers were agile and lean. The magiks that coursed through their body needed an amazing amount of fuel to sustain. Thus, they gourged themselves but were never satisfied. The hunger drove them mad and they not only tortured their victims, they ate them alive. After every battle, the Nymphomancers would feast on the bodies of both sides, darting through the air from corpse to corpse like ethereal, blood craved ravens.

The most numerous caste were the Fucklers. These were the footmen of the Hogswarm army. Each just under five feet tall, decorated in the bones of their enemies. They fashioned their weapons out of what they could find, so you could expect to go against maces made of bone, arrows with human teeth for arrowheads, and dried leathery human heads lit on fire that exploded on impact. Though not as strong as the other castes, and ecrtainly not as smart, their superior numbers and ease of replacement made them a formidable force."

The one thing that the Hogswarm loved more than eating was orgies, in case you had not figured that out by the names. Before and after battle, the Hogswarm would have a massive orgy of every living member available. Since their race was asexual, this not only kept up spirits, but also could provide reinforcements. Tales from the battlefields told of striking down a fuckler only to have a smaller one burst its way from within the hunchback of its parent, pick up a weapon, and go right into the fray. In fact, the queen Porkbeast would be in a constant state of intercourse, her offspring bursting out of pustules on her back. The infants were taken from her, cooked, and fed to her at the next feeding frenzy. The queen would not bring up competition by letting her offspring grow to overthrow her.

Within the first century of the ice age, the Hogswarm had dominated most of the Western Hemisphere except the top of Canada. In July of the year 3057 BC, a fifth Fellate Commando was born. As was ceremoniously dictated, the infant was put on a plate with fixins and brought before the Porkbeast. The queen had grown listless as of late, and desired new tastes. Thus it was decided that this Fellate Commando would be brought up and raised to be the voice of the queen to a new people. Forty years later, Prince Argokafurenara the fifth Fellate Commando led a legion of troops accross the ocean and into Africa.

Argokafurenara met the Egyptians in the early 3000s BC, though the exact date is unknown. Suprisingly, the Egyptians welcomed their new rulers and praised them as gods. They longed to know the secrets of their new masters, and Prince Argokafurenara taught them to build giant structures the world had never known. The Hogswarm base of operations in the Eastern Hemisphere was the Great Pyramid of Giza. Even now you can find that scientists "believe" the pyramid to be built by the Pharoah Khufu. This is a shortened and time worn misnaming of the Great Prince Argokafurenara.

Their rule continued unterupted for centuries until Prince Argokafurenara began his rebellion. His struggles in the new world demanded supplies and reinforcements, and the Queen saw fit to increase her feasting and squandered the supplies promised to the young prince. He began to develop new technologies fusing human bodies together with Hogswarm DNA to create mindless abominations that he could control without question. Most of the Nymphomancers were loyal to their Prince and saw the Queen as the old regime. The writings we have found from this era show that the Hogswarm began to go through a renessaince. Since then, we have dubbed this time the Renessaince of the Pig. The prince declared his country independant of the old regime and set himself up as supreme ruler of the African countries. The queen was filled with an unbridled rage and launched her armies across the ocean, but had been outsmarted by her prodigal son. The prince had sent legions of his own abominations around the Horn of Africa and half battled the ships bent on conquering the new land, the other half marched up to the frozen tower in Carbondale lead by the Prince himself. He fought up the tower to the pinacle and feasted on the queen while his abominations devoured the icey city below. Without the magic of the Nymphomancers, the tower began to melt and soon was no more. Some say that the magic that once held the city together was absorbed by the ground and has caused a number of paranormal activities since then, most notably David Wong's triumphs over the shadow people in a town downstream of Carbondale.

The battle left the Prince's armies weak. The Nymphomancers were forced to feast on the living army to sustain their powers, and this act displeased the prince. How could he let an artifact of the old world blaspheme his creations? He murdered the Nymphomancers that night and most of his Fuckler footmen fled into the night to form small tribes in the forests. The prince now without an army had enemies on every side. Word of his defeat reached the Egyptians, and they quickly revolted and set up their own empire. Now they would worship the Sun for melting the Frozen Tower of their opressors. Now they would set up their own gods and their own rulers would have pyramids. The prince could not go back and the longer he waited in Carbondale, the closer the human enemies got. Even though he had killed thousands with his bare hands, he could not kill millions. Some day, he knew he would fall. The Prince grew aware of his own mortality, and wrote down the secrets of his science on tablets so that his work would not be forgotten. Then the prince and his few remaining loyal soldiers set out to forge for themselves a new destiny. The Hogswarm disapeared for centuries, but finally popped up again in the Persian empire. The Prince had taken the name Ahasuerus, or as we have become familiar with, Xerxes the Great most recently seen in that terrible movie 300.