So, funny story. I found this great recipe for an 8 grain whole wheat bread that I just HAD to try. But unfortunately, the recipe called for soya flour and lecithin granuals, neither of which I have ever heard of. Luckily for me, there is a strange food store behind the local target. It's the type of food store for crazy vegans and people with cancer who think that they can be cured by drinking these strange tonics or popping some echinacea. I tend to stay away from those stores because I think most of it is bullshit placebo, but it's a good place to find wacky grains which is what I just so happened to be in the market for.
I picked up my half pound of flour and small bag of lecethin granuals, gave the lesbian behind the counter 10 bucks and started to walk out the door when I saw this old fat lady fall over in the aisle. It was like, Bam! Bitch hit the floor! I stood and watched as the lesbian ran over and took her pulse, barked orders about calling 911 to some stocking boy, and started giving the old hag mouth to mouth. I wonder if that could be construed as sexual harassment or necrophelia on the part of the lesbian.
Anyway, it was obvious that the lady was dead, so I just left the store. No sense in helping the unhelpable I always say. Fucking crazy though! I saw a lady die in a fucking whole foods store. Anyway, I baked my bread (which was delicious by the way, and full of tasty grains), and went to sleep. I'm a third shift worker, and it was almost noon by the time I got back to my apartment. I slipped into bed, and was planning on getting up around 1am to start my morning with a nice slice of delicious cracklin' wheat toast. When a car slammed into the side of my apartment complex at 7pm, I knew something was wrong. Luckily, the vehicle hit my neighbor's apartment and not mine, or I'd have bust a cap in someone's ass. But yeah, this fucking minivan barreled into the corner of the building, like the driver just fell asleep and accelerated over the curb, through the garden, across the lawn, and into the corner of my apartment building. I ran outside to see just what the hell had happened. Apparently, some other people were doing the same thing. As I turned the corner, I saw a small crowd of people panicking around the scene. I knew something was wrong, but couldn't put my finger on it. The people weren't trying to help, they were just panicking. Then I realized what was wrong. They were trying to get away from the scene. In fact, a few of them were pushing others back so they could get ahead. I didn't see any fire, or any sign that the building was going to collapse, so I moved in closer for a peek. Then I saw it. Two guys had pulled the lady out of the minivan because the inside was filled with smoke. The lady had reached up and bitten the neck of the guy who was pulling her out of the wreckage. He threw her off, and she went after the second guy and got him. The first man must have died and reanimated, because when I got to the scene, they were both eating the second helper. Zombies. Fucking Zombies on my day off. I ran upstairs to grab my riot gun (basically a sawed off shotgun with pistol grips) and quickly decapitated them.
OK, so the very first thing to do when you wake up and find a zombie in your front yard is to get on the news and find out how bad the situation is. I went up stairs and started flipping through the news stations. The infestation was all over the city, but it looked to be only in san antonio. I knew that there would be a quarantine up in hours and an eradication of the infested area soon after that. It's exactly how the military works. They find the outbreak, then block off all access to the city and napalm it. Well, I wasn't about to let that happen to me. So where do you go when find the entire city overrun with zombies? You go to work. I had to travel by foot because the roads were full of panic. It really wasn't that bad yet. There was panic and looting everywhere. Stores were almost all raided, and the local HEB (it's a grocery store) was under lock down by the manager and his shotgun armed staff. I knew that by night fall, they would be overrun. I had never been so glad that my wife was visiting her folks in Houston.
It took me about 45 minutes to walk to work. When I got there, I saw that pretty much all the heroes had the same idea. Greg had a duffel bag full of supplies and his ax resting on his shoulder. Will and Christy had come, will armed with a crowbar and Christy had a small 22 rifle. Kale pulled up on her motor cycle with a backpack and a lead pipe tucked behind her. I figured the rest of them were staying home with their families. Will lit up a cigarrette and Greg said to him, "You better get quit now before there's no more cigarettes to smoke." Will just smiled back. He had been training for this day his whole life. We all had. I know that I bought supplies and did some survival and combat training back in the 1998 outbreak in Marion Illinois. I was visiting my relatives when I saw a 10 year old girl rip the flesh off my uncle's hand. Ten hours later, I had to gun down my own flesh and blood.
Since we were already northwest of most of the infestation, we decided to just head west to get out of Bexar County the fastest. Then we'd turn loop around the northern part of San Antonio and head to our friend Jim's house in San Marcus. He had an underground bomb shelter with enough food and water filtration for 10 years for 10 people.
So we started walking. I'm going to spare you the details of a three hour walk through a Zombie infested, target rich environment. I know you've been there. But let's just say that when we arrived at the check point at 10pm, the military wouldn't let us through. They had erected a 20 foot tall cement barrier that was patrolled regularly around the entire county. At 5am, the entire county was scheduled to be napalmed. The only way to stop a napalming is to ensure that every zombie is destroyed and that civil peace has been restored. That second one is a biggie. You have to convince people who murder for a living to play nice for a few hours. "Well fuck," Kale said, "We'd better get started." Since we knew escape to be impossible, we knew we had little over 6 hours to clear up the entire metropolitan San Antonio. 6 heroes, 6 hours. No way in hell we could do this alone. I knew we had to see the professor.
We stole a jeep and headed out to the professor's desert dwelling. He lived out in the middle of nowhere so his experiments would fly under the radar. We pulled up a dirt road that winded all the way up a mountain, and onto this small plateau at the top. The professor had his defenses up. His house was surrounded by a 6 inch thick steel wall forty feet high. Automated gun drones circled his fortress to quickly dispatch any zombie that might have made it out this far. When we pulled up to the front of the gate, the drones honed in on us. Luckily, the professor was monitoring the cameras or we would have been dispatched right there.
"Hey guys!" a loud speaker boomed, "did you come for the party?"
This guy was weird.
"Funny story," he continued, "I actually built this wall in case of Russian invasion or nuclear war. But who could have guessed that it would come in handy for zombie invasion." I don't know how that was funny, but he opened the door for us and we went inside.
Robot Terror, as we affectionately called the professor, was a fucking genius. The terror layer was this elaborate mansion in the middle of the desert, and when we walked inside we were greeted by a floating computer terminal that beckoned us to follow it. We walked down a long hall and into a bathroom. The terminal asked us to get inside the bathtub and turn the water on cold. When Christy pulled the lever, the shower lurched and started sinking. It was a crafty elevator. After going down about a mile and a half, we pulled back the shower curtain to see the real terror layer. It was like the bat cave, if batman was a cyborg. There were all sorts of automitrons running around, doing menial tasks for their master. We stepped out of the showervator and walked down a ramp to the control center. It would appear that Robot Terror had finally done away with his human form, as he was now a huge mechanical orb suspended from the cave ceiling. It was fucking matrix style. His huge machine cold eye turned towards us and I swore I saw the thing smile. "Hey guys, long time no see." the terror said, "So, you've come to wait out the inevitable destruction of San Antonio?"
"Nah, we were actually trying to stop it." Kale said as she gave a long and thoughtful look at the control center. The control center looked like it had about 50 plasma screens all jutting out of each other, each one scrolling lines of text or pornography. "What would a machine want porn for?" She thought.
"Well, you'll never stop them with those weapons." The terror shot out a mechanized arm with a cutting device and some sort of probe, and picked up the battle ax.
Greg scowled and barked, "If you know what's good for you, you'll put that back."
"Sorry, I was just curious." Setting down the Ax of a Thousand Battles, the Terror brought up some new weapon designs on one of the main screens. I saw some devices that made my blood run cold. I didn't want any of those attached to my body. "I think however that these might be over kill. Let's see what I have in the lab." The Robot Terror's pillar of mechanical amazement rumbled and started to bring out more appendages. Six pneumatic legs came off the ceiling and what once connected him to his grid now became legs. His huge omnicient computer brain was in the center, with the six skinny legs jutting out the top that bent over at their segments. He spared no expense.
We followed Robot Terror as he walked to the lab and the lights came on to reveal a chamber that held futuristic hand weapons. He lifted up a jetpack and handed it to Kale. "This is a nuclear powered propulsion device with fission laser arm attachment. I think it will suit you well." Kale put on the jet pack, fastened the straps and helmet, and slid her right arm into glove that looked like the old Nintendo Power Gloves. "The helmet reads your brain patterns for navigation and thruster control. That glove is an old Nintendo Power Glove my son had laying in his toy fortress. I modified it with a rather powerful laser. Go ahead and blast at that wall over there."
Kale aimed the glove at the wall and sun glasses flipped down out of the helmet and a pulse of light exploded out of the glove at the wall. The shockwave of the discharge knocked me over. "Damn that's hot sex." she said as the glasses flipped back up when she lowered her arm.
